The Trouble With Tribbles

The Trouble With Tribbles


An unearthly YEOWLLLL rends my eardrums. My own sleep starved brain refuses to respond to that sound, but like long unwashed fingernails scraping against the mathematicians blackboard, I cannot escape.

YEOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!. My back teeth begin a little ‘Cha-cha-cha’, and not in a good way.
That damn cat… The damn cat is in heat… Again.
I drag myself from the bed, one red eye blinking open of its own volition, and my first thought is; does anyone have a snub nose 38 handy?
I blink and involuntarily cover my ears.
“Ryan!” I holler, “get your damn cat fixed!”
My son is a beautiful man. Of course, he gets it from my side of the family, but he has some weird idea, but the vet, ‘gutting’ his cat.
A velvety brown nose pushes against my hand, urging me to comfort her.
YEOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, she screams, her little brown backside hoisting itself toward the ceiling, and as if it were on a wavering string, swings back and forth erratically, not sure where it should stop. In my sleep deprived state, I invoke my favorite episode of Star Trek, and I, of course, am Capt. James T. Kirk.


“As near as I can tell, they’re born pregnant,” ‘Bones’ tells the captain.

Yes indeed, get the damn cat fixed, I say.
“The trouble with Tribbles,” burrs the engineer, “is that they just keep multiplying.”
“As near as I can tell,” the doctor says, “over 50% of their metabolism is used to reproduce.”
And another 45% is used to make that damn noise. YEOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Yes indeedy, yes indeedy, PLEASE get the damn cat fixed.
YEOWLLL, she screams as she rubs herself insistently against me, as if I had the answer life and why she just feels so damn miserable.
Yes, get the damn cat fixed and then she’ll be…
“Why she’ll be no tribble at all…”

“The trouble with tribbles,” burrs the engineer, “is that they just keep multiplying.”
The small velvety brown eye fixes itself on me. She opens her mouth and YEOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Yes indeedy, be responsible, cut down on unwanted pet population. There is only so much cat litter out there. And be kind to human ears, especially those trying to sleep… And what about that snub nose 38?

“Aye, the trouble with Tribbles is that they’ll be no tribble a tall, at all.”
Right,” I murmur, and my comment is decidedly unheard, above the YEOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!